Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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