I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Four minutes until I can fart!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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