I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
