my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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