Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
