i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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