Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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