I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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