My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
