So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
