Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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