Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
