smell my finger.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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