You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
