She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
