So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
wow bdsm is so cute
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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