Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
