I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
