i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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