I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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