We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
