She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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