Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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