i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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