I have demons in me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
