Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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