3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
