I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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