I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
