I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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