Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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