My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
