Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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