I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
