someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i would punch a child for taco bell
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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