We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
