One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
