Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
