So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
