Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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