You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Ambien. No doubt about it.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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