woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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