I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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