I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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