his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
