I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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