im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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