my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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