U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
