I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
