if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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