I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
