Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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