Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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