did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
