So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I didn't notice because vodka
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
