just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize