I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
