Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
