mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
