if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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