You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize