sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
