The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
