There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
