sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
